A couple of Sundays ago, on Father’s Day, our Pastor preached a sermon that talked about being authentic.  About being honest in your walk and talk.  About having integrity.  There were other things, but that was the theme for the day.  He used men from his life, especially his own father and father-in-law, as real-life examples.  It was inspiring and even heart-warming.

At the end of his sermon, Pastor asked for any men who wanted to, to come forward before the platform.  He asked them to come forward if they wanted to commit or re-commit to being men of integrity, who would follow God and walk the talk.

I am a member of a small church, but we are multi-generational and multi-ethnic.  It is one of the many reasons I like attending there.  We have an older man in our congregation, I’ll call him “John” (not his real name).  John married late in life – he was in his 60’s and his wife was in her 50’s.  They have had a happy marriage, from what I have heard.  John is now in his late 70’s and is much more frail, even just in the last couple of years.  He does not make it every Sunday, and when he does he has an assistant (aside from his wife) to help him, and uses a walker.

That Father’s Day Sunday a couple of weeks ago, John was in church by himself.  Pastor called for the men to come forward, and many did.  He started praying for them, and I reached out my hand (like others did) and prayed with him for these men.  I usually keep my eyes closed when I’m praying, but for whatever reason I opened them as Pastor prayed, and I saw John.  He had gotten himself up, I’m sure with difficulty.  He was slowly making his way down the aisle, using his walker.  Very slowly, he kept walking until he was standing behind the men.  Pastor had continued to pray.

And I thought to myself: “I want to be like John.”  John has been a Christian many years, and yet he still sought to be better.  To walk more of the talk than he had before.  To be more authentic, more honest in his relationship with God than he had before.  I don’t know how much John could even hear the points of the sermon, and I know that it is a slow, difficult process for him to move at all.  And yet John had gotten himself up and had walked up to stand with the other men, because he wanted to be a better Christian.  I want to be like John.  I want to be willing to be molded by God, used by God, and humble enough to recognize I could do better, when I am as old as John.  Be like John.

This past week we had another week of early morning prayer at the church I attend.  6:00am to 7:00am.

I did my usual thing — I wander.  It is hard for me to sit and pray, or kneel and pray. I need to stand, to walk around.  In circles, or up and down the aisles.  Its a kinetic thing, is the only explanation I can come up with for why I pray that way.

One day this week I was at the front of the church and I remembered to stop talking TO God and just stand and listen to what God might have to say to me.  But being me, I had to preface that with once again asking God to lead me and guide me according to His will, and to keep me in the path of His commands.  Then I said (this is all internal, you understand) what I usually say, “Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.”

And God said, “You’re doing a good job.  Keep it up.”  I am always taken aback when I get a word from God, and I feel Him talk to me.  It is an awesome feeling to have the God of the universe talk to you.  Being me, I started in again, “Oh – thank you God.  I love you so much.  Please let me know if there is anything I need to be doing, or not doing.”

And God chuckled.  And He told me He loved me, and once again told me I was doing a good job and to just keep on doing it.

I’m so glad God understands me and puts up with me, and can chuckle at my foolishness.

I moved to my smaller apartment on the 23rd.  It was just as stressful and exhausting as I thought it might be.  All during that long, busy day when I would feel my feeling start to overwhelm me, a peace would come on me, and I would find a strength.

Have you ever felt what it was like to feel someone praying for you?  Someone you asked to pray for you, and on the day and time you needed it, they prayed, and you felt it?  I don’t know how to describe the feeling, but that is what I felt like all Friday.

The prayers of the people I know and who I asked to pray for me lifted me up and sustained me and strengthened me.  God is good and God is faithful.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

When my dear wonderful husband passed away and I found out I would have to move to a smaller apartment, panic and stress set in.  I thought I’d have to move in a month or two and I was soooo not ready to do that.

God intervened.  God provided.  In ways I’ve already outlined in previous blog posts.  The two months I thought it would be stretched to almost six months now. I am still emotionally totally unready to do this, but that doesn’t really matter.  The move is happening at the end of this week.

I have spent nearly six months crying out to God, pleading, seeking, asking, crying, stressed, anxious, unsure, crying, pleading, praying and …. repeat.  I don’t know about you, but I talk about my emotions with God.  I tell Him how I am feeling and what I am going through.  Of course I know He already knows all this.  But I guess I think a relationship with someone that has lasted over 30 years deserves honesty and transparency, and I don’t think He minds a bit that I unload on Him.

I trust God to take care of me.  God promises many many times in the Bible to take care of and look after orphans and widows.  He certainly has taken care of me long before I became a widow, and I don’t have any doubts that He will continue to do so.  But not knowing where you are going to live or how much it will cost is kind of like living under an anvil that you don’t know when will drop.  At least, for me it has been like that.

God knows I don’t want to move.  God knows all the many faceted reasons why I don’t want to move.  I thought I had help lined up, and it fell through and now I’m going to have to pay movers to move me.  I’ve moving to the apartment in the building across from me; 10 steps away.  And yet I have to pay movers to do that.  And yet, because of the discount the property management company has given me these past 5 months (which I have no doubt is the favor of God) I have money saved.  I will be carrying most of the things over myself since I’ll have a couple days off and can just do it myself.  So I will actually only spend $200, maybe $300 total for the move.  Which is cheap!

And so even though I am so emotional over this whole move process, I have no doubt at all that this whole thing is part of God’s plan for me.  You can’t seek God and talk to God and ask God to lead you and guide you and direct you without accepting and acknowledging when He is moving in your life, and directing it according to His will.  Do I really want God’s will for me?  Even if I know it will mean moving and all the things that will entail?  Yes.  You bet.  No doubt.  I absolutely do.  So I will cry over every box and cry myself to sleep every night, but I will haul those boxes and do the cleaning and fixing and putting away and arranging that needs to be done.  Because I have no doubt it is God’s will for me, and He always has in mind for me what is the very best and right.  If you remember, please pray for me this week.  I need all the prayer support I can get.

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately praying about 1) my future, 2) how I can bring people to Christ, and 3) how God wants to use the gifts and talents He gave me for his Glory.

I’ve been asking God if I should go back to teaching Sunday School or assisting in Children’s Ministries.  The church I attend now has a strong leader and seems to have enough teachers.  I have not gotten the impression that they need children’s workers, even though I know from past experience any children’s ministry always needs people.

What I keep getting back from God, it seems to me, is that I am to wait.  Right now, I believe God is telling me, my job for Him is to concentrate on being a wife to my husband.  Since that is something I love to do, I am happy to continue doing it.

I don’t remember where it is but somewhere in the Old Testament (Leviticus?) it talks about some guidelines for when men were to be part of the army. One of the exceptions listed is if a man is newly married.  The guideline is for him to take that first year off and be a husband – enjoy that time together, build the relationship, and no doubt make a baby.  Then he can go off to war.

I feel like that is me at this point.  I am to take this first year off.  Concentrate on being a wife and build our relationship.  (There will be no babies, no.  We are both too old for that and neither of us wants a baby. )

I don’t know what will happen after next January.  I don’t know if God wants me back in Children’s Ministries.  Or, if there is something else for me.  In the meantime, I am continuing to pray, and to listen for God’s direction.

Several months ago the pastor of the church I attend encouraged everyone to invite the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit into their day.  Every day.

Since then I have tried to do that.  My prayer goes something like this:

“Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, please lead me and guide me today according to your will and plan for me.  Bless the words of my mouth and the works of my hands. Help me to shine for you today, to everyone I will meet or talk to.”

Now I can’t report that I won the lottery or got a big raise or anything like that.  I can tell you I am more calm and relaxed at work and at home.  I can tell you that people are reacting to me in a different (most positive, respectful) way.  I can tell you that I’ve been able to get a lot of work done.

I need God.  I need Him every day.  I cannot do this on my own.  I am too flawed, too prone to outbursts and frustration and loose lips and so many things on my own.  I need God every day.

I invite and encourage you to do your own invitation to the trinity.  Ask them to lead and guide your life every day for two months.  Give God a chance to move in your heart, in your life, in your work, in your home.  Invite Him to be your God every day.

 

I am waiting.

Waiting to hear, waiting to know, waiting to decide.  Waiting on God.

Have you ever heard that saying that God always answers prayers?  He only ever has three answers:  Yes.  No.  Wait.

I am waiting on God’s will and God’s timing for several things in my life.  I don’t like waiting.  Does anyone?  I want what I want when I want it and not later.  I am not a fan of delayed satisfaction.  Despite this, I have the discipline to wait.  I am not happy while doing it, granted, but I can do it.  Have done it.  AM doing it.  I can’t say that I am patient, but I do know how to wait.

I can do it because I can trust God’s timing.  He has never, ever failed me.  Not even once.  Not even a little.  His timing has always been right.  God is never in a hurry — but He is always on time.

So I wait.  And pray, and continue to ask God to be a conduit of His love and grace, and to help me to stay on His path for me.

What have you waited for that God has answered?

The mediation between my co-worker and I took place last week. I had prepared by thinking through conversations and also making a list for myself of all the important things I wanted to talk about. I prayed and asked God to please help me to speak the truth in love.

We were with the mediator 2 1/2 hours.  Which is a long time, but it went pretty fast.  When I opened my mouth to start talking what came out was not what I had been planning.  But we spent quite a bit of time talking about it, and when I was offered the chance to bring anything else up I brought up only one other thing on my list.

Since I had prayed about it and asked God to help me through this process, I felt I had said everything I needed to say, even though I didn’t say all the things I thought I wanted to say.  It was an environment where my co-worker could feel safe without distractions and really listen to what I was saying.  And I think she did.  I think she really did see things from my perspective, and respect what I had to say.

Maybe nothing will change at work.  Maybe she will go right back to those habits that landed us in mediation after all.  But at least for that period of time I felt that what I was saying was listened to and respected and heard.

Lately I’ve been having a lot of problems with a co-worker.  We have a unique seating arrangement, no one else at work has a setup like we do.  We basically sit in each other’s back pocket and can hear and see everything that goes on during the day.  Everything.  (And I am sorry to say there is no hope for our seating arrangement to change.)

Yeah.  With that, and having very different personalities and outlooks on life…. it has led to conflict.  While I am far from perfect and have my faults and, well, shall we say – quirks – my co-worker is very self-centric and extremely defensive when talked to about anything that she is doing/saying.  Which makes it very hard to gain any understanding or empathy, or to even just have a conversation about a situation that has caused me stress.

My boss finally got fed up with the whole thing and has asked a mediator to mediate between my co-worker and myself.  Our employer pays for it and we can take time off from work with pay to meet with her.  I have been working full-time in business offices since I was 17 (I’ll give you hint: that was many many years ago.  Like, more than 30.) and I have never ever had a situation with a co-worker reach these proportions.

It is affecting my health and prayer life, and certainly my attitude.  I am proceeding through the mediation process, with no hope whatsoever that anything will change at work.  Our first joint meeting is next week.  I’ll keep you posted on how things go.

In the meantime, I am struggling to maintain my prayer life and usual cheerful outlook.  All I can do is speak the truth in love, right?

I had to be harsh with a friend recently.  I met my friend four years ago over the internet.  We had a phone, email, and text relationship for a couple of months, and met twice (we were an hour and a half away from each other).  He chose someone else he had met online, and we went our separate ways.  We reconnected a year later, but just as friends.

Recently he posted on Facebook that he was going to move out to the wilderness and live away from people until he died.  I asked him what was going on and it turned out he was having a pity party.

Did you ever have a pity party?  Where you felt sorry for yourself and recounted all the ways you had been done wrong and things were tough and nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I’ll go eat worms?  No?  Is that just me that has those times?

Well, my friend was not only having a pity party, he was having a BIG party. Rented a ballroom, formal buffet, band, balloons, door prizes – the whole thing.  (I am speaking figuratively and sarcastically if you hadn’t caught that).  He once again was telling me about his bad childhood, how no one loved him, his wife divorced him because she was no good, the woman he loved the most in the world broke up with him and married someone else, he had no friends, etc. etc.

I have heard the same exact things from him before.  He does not exaggerate his past problems and difficulties.  I believe he really did have a difficult childhood, rocky marriage, and has had addiction problems most of his life.  He lost his job and is on disability and has back pain all the time.

He gave his heart to God a couple of years ago, but as a very proud man who has had to take care of himself since he was in his early teens, it has been hard for him to totally surrender and give up control of every part of his life.  So he has struggled with his faith.

Where I get impatient with him is that he keeps bringing up his troubles and difficulties.  Over and over and over and over and over.  He himself says he is in his 50’s and should be OVER this stuff by now, but he goes right down the pity trail every time.  I basically told him that I knew lots of people (truly I do) that have had as worse or much worse a time in their lives as him, and yet they chose to get past that and not let it hold them back.  I told him:

“It is not a contest.  My point is they chose to go on despite their past.  They chose to go past the pain and are used and are blessed by God.  You stay in the pity loop.  Being by yourself it is easy to have a pity party.  Anything else is too much work.”

Do you think that was too harsh?  I have been tough with him before and it has not affected our friendship.  I don’t really know, but he has continued to post pictures on Facebook and they are not negative or suicidal, so I know God is not finished with him yet.  I have to leave it in God’s hands and continue to pray for him.