Archive for September 2015

Never Ending   1 comment

My only son was killed 15 years ago.  It was devastating for me, and I plunged into two years of deep emotional shock.  It was only by the grace and love of God that I was able to get through it and come out of my shock slowly.

Every year, around his birthday and the anniversary of the day of his death, I have had problems.  I get so sad.  I get very emotional.  I feel myself slipping into shock and grief again.  It has been overwhelming at time, and feels never ending.  I just don’t want to feel this way. I want to remember my son and his life without all the sadness and loss and grief.

But it seems I am destined to feel this way.  I get through it every year, twice a year, but it is never pleasant.  It has gotten a bit better every year (I used to have to take days off to be by myself), but all the feelings come back year after year.  I have not thought of anything to “do” with the feelings and loss.  Perhaps that is why they keep coming back.

My husband has never wanted children, and has none of his own.  I told him about my son being killed early in our relationship, and he is one of the few people I can talk to about it, and even if I cry and even if he doesn’t understand from the perspective of a parent — he has always been supportive and he feels comfortable talking about it with me, and can even bring my son into casual conversation.

This year, perhaps because it is the 15th anniversary, and 15 is kind of a milestone, I had more problems than usual.  My husband sent me an email, part of which is quoted below.  I love my husband so much, and thank God for him.

“I know that you know how much I love you, and that I am here for you. But I also want you to know that I will be thinking of John as well as you, because he helped make you into the woman I love so much.”

 

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Posted September 26, 2015 by Maureen in Christian, Musings

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EVERY DAY   Leave a comment

Several months ago the pastor of the church I attend encouraged everyone to invite the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit into their day.  Every day.

Since then I have tried to do that.  My prayer goes something like this:

“Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, please lead me and guide me today according to your will and plan for me.  Bless the words of my mouth and the works of my hands. Help me to shine for you today, to everyone I will meet or talk to.”

Now I can’t report that I won the lottery or got a big raise or anything like that.  I can tell you I am more calm and relaxed at work and at home.  I can tell you that people are reacting to me in a different (most positive, respectful) way.  I can tell you that I’ve been able to get a lot of work done.

I need God.  I need Him every day.  I cannot do this on my own.  I am too flawed, too prone to outbursts and frustration and loose lips and so many things on my own.  I need God every day.

I invite and encourage you to do your own invitation to the trinity.  Ask them to lead and guide your life every day for two months.  Give God a chance to move in your heart, in your life, in your work, in your home.  Invite Him to be your God every day.

 

Posted September 13, 2015 by Maureen in Christian, Musings

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