Archive for April 2016

Still Breathing In and Out   Leave a comment

My husband’s service was last Saturday.  For days beforehand, and all day that day until 1:00 pm I kept saying to myself, “I DON’T want to do this!”  But I did.  Because he was only going to get one memorial service, and I wanted to do it right.  And it was done right.  It was a fitting, moving, unique memorial of his life and the person he was.  And we had lots of food afterwards, which he would have enjoyed very much.

I was totally spent the next day.  And the day after, truth be told.  Not only sad and feeling the loss, but drained from all the emotions of Saturday.  And yet God gave me strength.  He gives me strength.  Just enough to get through each day.

On the Friday before the memorial, my little sister sent me flowers via FedEx.  It was a dozen of the same kind of orchids I had in my wedding bouquet.  I burst into tears when I opened the package.  Sad, but also very happy memories.  I so appreciated her doing that, and remembering me and my husband that way.  Monday, after a long day and being very very tired emotionally and physically, I got an email out of the blue from the property management company that runs the apartment complex where I live.  “Maureen,” the email said, “we don’t want you to worry about anything.  Next month we’ve taken $1,000 off your rent.”  Who DOES that?  I never asked them to do something like that — never even thought to ask for that.  But God knew.  God does stuff like that.

I saw a friend at work this week.  She had never met my husband, but she knew me and had been very happy about my engagement and then marriage.  She gave me a sad smile, and then just hugged me. That’s it.  She didn’t say anything, she just gave me a big hug.  I’ve had people at church come up and take my hand and tell me, “I know what you are going through – I lost my spouse.”  And that is all they say.  Just that.  That is all that is needed.

I’ve been getting cards in the mail from people.  I know a couple that have been missionaries to orphans and widows all over the world.  They have a terrific ministry and I have been on three missions trips with their group.  I know them personally and have been in their home.  They sent me a lovely card …. and a check for $100.

I’m moving from strength to strength, taking each day in whatever sized chunk I can handle at a time.  Resting in God’s grace and His foundation.

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Posted April 29, 2016 by Maureen in Christian, Married Musings

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Struggle   Leave a comment

Every day since my most wonderful husband passed away has been a struggle.  I feel like I am in a horrible, deja-vu, unreal nightmare.

I met with my Pastor this week and we went over the service and also where tables would be laid out for the reception.  It made me so sad.  I kept saying to myself, “I don’t want to do this.  I don’t want to do this.”  And yet – this is the only memorial service My Randy will have.  I want to do it right.  So I made decisions and I made choices and I am doing the things I have to do.

I will have to move out of our apartment, which has caused a lot of stress and anxiety in me.  Our property management company is being very nice and accommodating and I won’t have to move until this summer.  I have been reminded again of how God has always looked after me and taken care of me.  He has always provided, just what I needed, when I need it.  Sometimes my flesh gets in the way and I stress or get anxious, but the steady, unchanging, persistent love of God never leaves me and I find myself resting on that rock.

I don’t want to be a widow. I don’t want to be alone.  I want my Randy back.  But things don’t always turn out the way we want them.  Things happen, life changes, time moves on.  I just cling to my rock, and hold onto my faith in the great creator and provider, and I get by day by day.

Posted April 16, 2016 by Maureen in Married Musings

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Gone   Leave a comment

My sweet Randy, my love, is gone.  He had a heart attack and died suddenly on April 6th.

I am …. lost.  It still does not seem real.  I know it will at some point.  I will have to go through his clothes.  Distribute some things to his family.  Pick up the death certificate.  Have the memorial service.  Hundreds of details and little things that, when I complete them, will cement, little by little, that my Randy is gone.

My son was killed 15 1/2 years ago, and now I am experiencing the same kinds of things again in a horrible, nighmareish deja-vu kind of way.  The crying jags.  The aimless wandering.  The sleepless nights.  The crushing sense of loss.  The feeling that you’ve forgotten something, and then the terrible realization that it is because you don’t have that person in your life anymore.  The thinking to yourself “I have to remember to tell Randy about that”, and then the remembering that you can’t anymore.

I want to find a hole to crawl in and then just stay there.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases

His mercies never come to an end

They are new every morning, new every morning

Great is your faithfulness, oh God

Great is your faithfulness

My rock, my foundation is God.  He never fails, he never leaves, he always loves and provides.   Though I long to leave this earth and its sadness and loss, I know the Lord will take me when it is His time.  Until then I will keep breathing in and out and putting one foot before the other.

Posted April 9, 2016 by Maureen in Christian