Archive for March 2011

A Season of Singleness   Leave a comment

I like seasons.  I like the change, the differences, the anticipation of the next season.  Living in California now, we don’t really have seasons.  Oh, people here say there are seasons, but having lived in Washington State for 30+ years, I know what a season in.

I have gone through seasons in my life – have you?  Seasons that were marked by signs, then gradually you get deeper and deeper into the season, then — that anticipated first (or second or third) sign that things are changing.  Being made new. Something was on the horizon.  And being certain it is not the light on the train coming towards you.

I have been in a season of singleness for….. oh!  20+ years.  It was never my intention to stay single this long.  I’ve never liked it.  Well, at times I have. Having sole control of the remote, being able to eat what I want when I want, and not caring if something was picked up or cleaned according to someone else’s schedule: these are all things that I have liked about being single.  But over all, long-term?  Yeah, I have not liked it. 

I’ve had signs.  Little ones.  I feel the differences inside of me, see the changes on the horizon.  I think there may be a change coming up.  Marriage?  Well, God only knows about that.  But change is coming.  A new season will be here — soon?  2011?  Hmmm…. I’ll keep you posted.

Posted March 27, 2011 by Maureen in Being Single, Christian, Musings

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Is this thing on??   Leave a comment

Having long-distance internet relationships is difficult.  Though, I suppose any long-distance relationship would have the same difficulties I’m having.  So, if I don’t hear from him in two days…… what does that mean?  Anything?  Something big?  Anything that has to do with me? Or, is he not even thinking of me at all because of something else going on? 

You ask yourself while checking your internet connection and phone: “Is this thing on?”  You find yourself checking your email more often.  Verifying that you can actually receive emails.  Phone calls.  Text messages.  Yup – all working.  Sigh.

I keep telling  myself that if I had a boyfriend that lived locally (i.e. within an hour of where I live) I would not have these problems.  But, there is no guarantee.  Just because someone might live locally does not mean we would communicate more.  And even when I do get a communication — it is not always clear.  For instance, one of my long-distance internet male friends asked me this week if he could come for a visit “over the holidays”.  Not knowing for sure what “holidays” he was talking about, I asked him.  He said Christmas.  Ahhhhh…… yeah.  That’s, like, nine months away, dude.  You are asking if it is ok for you to come then????  How in the heck am I supposed to know THAT?  But I did not actually say that. I emailed him that he was welcome to come anytime.  Which he is.  I’m not holding my breath it will actually happen — but of course he is welcome to come anytime.

So while I sit and wait and ask myself  “Is this thing on?” I try to continue to honor God with each relationship.  I try not to second-guess myself, or check my email texts and voice mails more than necessary.  I just pray, and wonder some more.

Self Talk   2 comments

Last week wasn’t so good for me.  I struggled with various things, I had a lingering cough from a cold, I missed my great-nephew, etc. etc.  And I had a problem with self-talk.  You know what I mean: “You’re stupid!”  “You are a failure!”  “Can’t you do anything right?”

Those things we say to ourselves.  We flail ourselves, verbally cutting ourselves down, berating ourselves about shortcomings (or perceived shortcomings).  Using the “always” and “never” phrases like: “You’ll NEVER get married!”  “You’ll ALWAYS be alone!”  At the same time that was going on, like another track on a record, I felt the Lord saying things like “You are my beloved child” and “That is a lie from the pit of hell” and “Don’t worry my precious daughter.  I will take care of you” 

Why is it easier to listen to the bad things rather than believe the good things?  Why do the bad things seem to stick with us longer?  Why is that??  Well, as I usually do when I have a bad spiral of self-talk, I tried to help others and encourage others this week.  A friend of mine was passing the third year after his wife died this past week, and I knew he was having a bit of a hard time. I emailed him a couple of times, and emailed again on the day of the anniversary.  The next day I got an email reply. I had not said anything about my own struggles.  I had not repeated my self-talk to anyone.  And yet, in the midst of his email, was this:

So anytime Satan says something – that’s a lie. What you do is this you grab him by the back of the neck and throw him to the floor and say, “Satan – get behind me I’m sick and tired of your lies!”

Ha!  Isn’t that great?!  Isn’t that wonderful?!  This is a friend who has never talked to me like that before.  I believe he was giving me words from God — words I needed to hear.  Just when I needed to hear them.  I am trying hard to hear and believe the good things God is telling me, and not stay caught in the sucking vortex of bad self-talk.

Posted March 13, 2011 by Maureen in Being Single, Christian

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Relationship Seismograph   Leave a comment

Do you know those seismographs they use to monitor/predict/show earthquakes?  (like above)  The little sensitive needles travel across the paper, and move and jump according to what they sense.  Sometimes the model has multiple needles, sometimes only one.

Sometimes, in a relationship, if we are sensitive enough to ourselves and what is going on, our needles may jump.  Or spike.  “You’ve been married how many times?!!”  “You slept with her!??!”  “You lied!”  “You’re breaking up with me over that??”

I had a mild tremor in a relationship this week.  Found out something about one of his prior relationships.   I had known about the relationship, but what I discovered was something new.   Such as: he was still in love with her.  My needles started jumping up and down, making squiggles across the paper. 

Perhaps I am misunderstanding what has been said, and afer all I only know what he tells me. I’m not there (he lives half-way across the country) and I don’t know her, and so I have to guess and intuit from what has been told me.  I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, at least the first couple of times.  My incredulity only extends so far. But I like it when people give me the benefit of the doubt and don’t label or jump to conclusions, so in keeping with “The Golden Rule” of the Bible — treat others as you would like to be treated — I have asked for clarification from him about this relationship that I thought was done and that he was over.

Perhaps my needles will spike at his answer.  But perhaps they will continue their serene,  merry way.  We shall see.

**UPDATE:  I heard his explanation and I believe what he told me.  He is very fond of her and they are friends, but nothing more.  The needles are still wavering, though.  Stay tuned.

What’s between friends and boyfriend?   3 comments

One of my online friendships is moving into something more.  But since he lives in Ohio there is no immediate chance of us meeting soon.  So…… what comes after friends and before boyfriend?

Our relationship is still moving v-e-r-y   s–l–o–w–l–y….. but it is moving forward.  Until I meet him in person I can’t decide if he is someone I would consider spending the rest of my life with, and that I’d like to have for a boyfriend first.  So, until or unless we meet in person?  I guess he will just remain a friend.  Good friend.  Good close friend.  Very good friend. 

Hmmmm…. I think I figured it out.

Posted March 3, 2011 by Maureen in Being Single

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