Archive for November 2016

IMPOSTOR   Leave a comment

I feel like an impostor.  Or a fake.

Thanksgiving weekend has always been a big family weekend for us.  As many as can travel from a tri-state area to spend three days together.  Eating, playing, talking, eating, doing activities.  Eating.  This year I was not looking forward to it.  I am not looking forward to my “first” holiday season without my husband.  I didn’t want the sympathetic looks and the “How ARE you’s” from well-meaning family members.  So many emotions all mashed and roiled around together.

It actually wasn’t too bad.  The distractions of the three days helped a lot I found.  And it was good to see family, to catch up on what everyone is doing (and, at our age, the latest health bulletins).  My niece’s son and daughter are at an especially adorable age and they were clearly having a terrific time with the plethora of cousins and Aunts, Uncles, Great Aunts, and Great Uncles.

I talked and laughed with everyone else.  And felt like an impostor.  I could laugh, but I couldn’t sustain the happy feeling.  I could enjoy activities for a short while, but then I would just watch.  When we saw our cousins they asked after me and time and again I saw “the look”.  This is the look that comes over their face when they have asked after my job and gotten updated and then …. they don’t know what to say.  They can’t ask about Randy since he is gone.  They don’t want to ask how I am since that can bring up strong emotions.  So they falter, and the conversation peters out.   I just waited, giving them a few second, and I would jump in and change the subject or start talking about something else.

And I felt like a fake.  I was totally faking being okay and that I was getting along just fine.  I was an impostor this past weekend.  I wonder how many people I fooled?

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Posted November 27, 2016 by Maureen in Married Musings, Memories

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REMAKING MYSELF   Leave a comment

I find I have to remake myself.  Again.  When I moved out of my parent’s house, I had to remake myself.  Learn to live on my own, learn what kind of person I was.  I didn’t do a very good job.  But I just kept on.  When I got divorced I had to remake myself.  As a single parent, with a small child and no college education.  It was really very hard. But at that time I thought I’d be a mom all my life, and hopefully someday have a daughter-in- and in time become a grandmother.  I was young.  I was gaining lots of skills at work and learning new things about myself and the person I was.  I didn’t really know what to do or how to do it, so I just kept on.

Then my son was murdered, and I wasn’t a mom anymore.  And I would never have a daughter-in-law, nor ever be a grandmother.  I was lost for a long time.  But I kept going on.  I struggled with remaking myself as this … person who did not have any of the things she had always wanted all her life.  The things she had always longed for.  It was a very hard, long struggle.

And then I pursued finding a husband.  After many long years I finally got a “Yes” from God where before I had always gotten a “No”, and I set out to see if I could find someone to marry in my 50’s.  I had very little clue what I was doing.  There were missteps and bad choices.  But then I found Randy.  Or rather, we found each other.  And despite our differences we really did fit together well and complimented each other and were just right for each other.  I knew I would not be married long to him.  He wasn’t in good health long before he met me, and the health issues he had were such that would not get better with time.  Even with good health care and a caring wife by his side.  I just … I had really thought that we would have made it to at least the five year mark.

But, no.  One year and 2 ½ months after our marriage Randy had a heart attack and died.  And so, I now have to remake myself again.  What am I now?  Not a mom.  Not a grandmother.  Not a wife.  I am living in a State I do not like, in a part of the State I really don’t like.  But yet, I have no doubt this is where God wants me to be.  So I stay.  But what shall I do?  Whom should I be?  My inclination, especially while I am still grieving, is to stay home and just go to church and work.  Surely I can pray for people at home, right?  I can read my Bible and I can live a life that hopefully honors and reflects God by just staying home.  Right?

But I don’t believe that is what God wants for me.  It is my comfort zone, but it is not where I should stay.  But, I don’t know what else I should do.  I don’t know what else God wants me to do, or go, or say.  I have to figure that out.  I have to find how to remake myself in this widowed state, living where I don’t want to, struggling to find what I should be and do.  I keep on.

In the meantime, while I am grieving and struggling to not stay in my comfort zone, God is there.  He is right by my side and He will guide me and direct me.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  The potter is molding His clay.

Posted November 11, 2016 by Maureen in Christian, Musings