IT’S SAD, REALLY

One thing that has been made plain to me is that people generally don’t like someone to be grieving or mourning more than, say, a few months. Six, at the most.

People want you to be over it.  Like you could possibly be over losing part of your very heart.  As if it was a football game where your team lost, or the cancelling of a TV show you really like.

I have had two people in the past two weeks ask me how I was.  I hate being asked that when I’m grieving.  I almost always say “Fine”, or “Okay” even when I’m not.  It is what they want to hear and anything else makes them uncomfortable.  I’ve learned this through painful experience.

With both people, who I thought I knew well enough to share with, I said something other than “Fine”.  And both of them suggested counseling.  One person mailed me a list of therapists and grief groups in my area, the other (who is a Counselor in her day job) suggested I talk to someone, or join a grief group.

What they said was not wrong, and I know it was meant well.  But – why suggest counseling?  Just because I am still grieving and in mourning 10 months after my dear husband passed away, they are thinking I should be over it?  Or I need help getting over it?  Why is that the first thing they want me to do?

Do you know what I would have much preferred they say?  I would have much preferred if they would have said, “Why don’t we make a date to go walking on the beach this weekend?”  Or, “There is a new Chinese place I’d like to try.  Would you like to go to dinner next week?”  Or, “Why don’t you come over for dinner tomorrow?” Or even, “Why don’t we go to lunch after church?”

That is what would help.  That is, actually, what I need.  That is what would make a difference to me, in my life.  It is sad, really.  Grief makes so many people so uncomfortable.  They don’t know how to deal with it.  They don’t want you to start to cry when you talk about the person who is gone.  They squirm and change the subject or make excuses to get away.  If I do that when talking to you – you don’t have to do anything.  You don’t have to say anything.  Just listen.

It is sad, really.  I wish people in my life could understand grief and mourning.