Archive for the ‘relationships’ Tag

Fast, or Slow?   Leave a comment

How long does it take you to decide if a relationship is “right”?  When does that point come when you decide that that person is worth getting to know, worth spending time with?

Are you a fast decider, or slow?  And is one better than the other?

We’ve all heard of people falling in love at first sight.  Do you know anyone that happened to?  I don’t.  That doesn’t mean I think it can’t happen, though.  I’ve heard of people who do a lot of dating that can tell after the first date.  I’ve never had a first date that good — have you?

I know myself pretty well by now and I know that I either decide fast, or I take a long time.  Yes, I know that is contradictory.  I’m a woman, what can I say?  I have enough common sense and intelligence to take my time to make up my mind…. but I also have ADD.  Which can mean I am impulsive.  So sometimes I leap before I look.

In relationships…. I have done both.  I have decided fast, and I have decided slow.  And you know, both choices have not always worked out well for me.  Maybe everyone has their own speed, their own comfort zone for deciding on relationship matters.  What about you?  Are you fast, or slow?

 

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Posted September 23, 2014 by Maureen in Being Single, Musings

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FIGHTING   Leave a comment

My boyfriend said something on Saturday that really made me mad and upset.

I know him well enough that I knew he was totally unaware that what he had said had that effect on me.  He was talking about a subject and mentioned something as a side topic, totally unaware that his words made me angry.

When I get really angry about something, I almost never say anything at the time.  I get so emotional, so filled with recriminations and come backs and turmoil, that I become an inarticulate, stammering, jumble of conflicting emotional incoherency.

I have to process.  I am a processer.  I have to think about it, pray about it, let time go by so I can view it from a different perspective, calm down, and get my articulation back.

My boyfriend says what is on his mind, when it comes into his mind.  He does process and think – he doesn’t spew all the time.  But if I say or do something that upsets him or makes him mad, there is no time between when he feels those emotions and he is talking to me about it. 

We did talk about what had made me upset, but not until Sunday afternoon.  That was when I was ready to talk about it and, I was not surprised to hear, he did not remember the incident.  Which was OK with me.  We talked it out and that was all I wanted and needed. 

When I was younger I used to yell and get upset right at the moment something happened.  And after a long time (sometimes I am a slow learner (but I do learn)) I realized I was so emotional and inarticulate that I was not making my feelings clear.  So the person who was upsetting me often had no clear idea what I was upset about or what made me mad.

So I learned to hold it in and process it.  And as I got older I also sometimes found myself just dropping something that, when I was younger, I would have held onto and made a big deal out of. 

What about you?  Are you a processor, or do you get it out right away?

Posted June 3, 2014 by Maureen in Uncategorized

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DISCLOSURE   1 comment

When I started this blog I was a frustrated middle-aged single lady who had been looking for love/a husband and was having a terrible time finding it.  This blog was an outlet for me, allowing me to write and be creative while talking about my dating troubles.

I had been searching for someone who I could spend the rest of my life with, and was not having any success.  Maybe it was my ‘standards’.  Maybe it was that I am a conservative republican in a very liberal, mostly godless part of the country.  Maybe I wasn’t following God’s leading properly.

Whatever the reason or reasons, I had nothing but bad luck and bad dating experiences.  So I laid off and waited and was praying about other things I could do or should do.  And then one day I replied to an ad on Craigslist.  It wasn’t an ad looking for someone, or asking for someone.  It was more of a short rant about the problems with dating, from a middle-aged man.  I responded to the ad, complimenting him on his good writing and descriptive language of how hard it was to find someone.  I expected no response.  I had done that kind of thing before because I believe in encouraging people whenever I can.  Sometimes I would receive a “thank you” response but most often I would receive no response, and I expected the same.

He wrote back.  And I wrote back.  And, we have been dating for almost three years now.

At first I didn’t write about it because I wasn’t sure where the relationship was going, or if was going anywhere at all.  Then later I didn’t write about it because he had had a previous girlfriend detail their relationship in a blog and he was very sensitive about the subject.  Any time I mentioned him or alluded to him I always cleared it with him first.

So I haven’t shared very much, but there is another reason other than that he had a previous bad experience with blogs during a relationship.  He is an atheist and I am a born-again Christian.  I have experienced a lot of head wagging, scolding, and lecturing from family and friends over it.  Not everyone, but certainly a lot of people.  They can’t understand why I would even bother continuing the relationship, and have made little or no effort to get to know him.  I had a family member tell me that, being divorced and also a Christian, according to their interpretation of the Bible, I should only seek to marry 1) a former priest, 2) a never-married man, or 3) a widower.  Anything else would be a sin.

Do you believe me when I tell you I have spent a lot of time in prayer over this?  And I am convinced that God has sent me someone who meets my dreams and desires, even ones I hadn’t realized, in a life partner.  I don’t know why God has sent me an atheist, but from my hours of prayer over this I believe that I am in God’s will over this relationship.

A blogger that I like and respect has said that she has found it is important to write about what she wants to, and not to try to cater to what she thinks people would want to hear.  I have followed that advice by not writing about my relationship, and gradually the hits and comments and followers to this blog have dropped to almost nothing.  And I found myself ………………. not minding.  I didn’t start this blog to build a following, or to have each blog entry get a bigger number of “likes” than the last one.  I started it for me.

And I will continue to write about what I want to.  I may mention my boyfriend more often.  We have struggles in our relationship because of circumstances beyond our control, so there is no chance we will be married in the foreseeable future.  Which I am also convinced is God’s will.  I may solicit advice about some of our struggles and circumstances.  I may detail the kind of wonderful person he is, and how we worked out how to deal with the differences in our beliefs.  We shall see.

So there it is – what I have been holding back for all this time.  If I get no reposts, likes, comments, or new followers from this post, I am content.  I am a child of God, God is good – all the time – and God is still on the throne.

Take care and God bless,

Maureen

Posted May 27, 2014 by Maureen in Being Single, Christian, Musings

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Lessons from Relationships   1 comment

I got married when I was 20 years old and he was 25.  Sadly, I was divorced by the time I was 25.  Before I got married I had ideas in my mind about what love was, and what being married was like. 

The reality was nothing like any of my ideas.  Here are some things I have learned about relationships 

  •  Relationships change over time.  You don’t establish a relationship then dust your hands together and say “Done!  Accomplished!”  Relationships are living organisms that need to be fed and nurtured
  • Relationships are nothing like what you read about in the romance novels, or what you (mostly) see in movies or on the TV.
  • Just because someone asks you to marry them does not mean you have to say “Yes”.
  • Just because you think (or even if you feel very very sure) you are in love with someone, it does not mean you have to marry that person. 
  • Relationships have ebbs and flows, high points and low points.  Just because you might be in an ebb or low point does not mean you have to toss the whole relationship.
  • Don’t compare yourself to other couples, or hold yourself to others standards.  Each relationship is a bit different.
  • Communication is key, and you need to find the kind of communication that will work for you as a couple.

Now maybe you knew all that.  But I can assure you – I had NO idea of any of this before I got married, or got involved in a long-term relationship.  I wish I had had someone to tell me these things.  Remember, I got married in the dark ages, before the internet was what it was today.  

What about you?  What relationship lessons have you learned that you wish you had known ahead of time?

 

Posted August 20, 2013 by Maureen in Being Single, Memories

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The LIST   2 comments

When you were younger, did you have a “LIST” of what qualities your future mate would have?  I did.  What was on your list?

I remember having a long list.  They had to have at least an interest (better yet – active interest) in a variety of things I was interested in.  They had to be of a certain height and be employed in a job that would provide for us in the event I would stay home.  They had to like and want kids, they had to have a family that lived nearby, and they had to like but not be fanatics about football.  I can’t really remember everything on the list, but it went something like that.

Do you still have it?  Your “LIST”?  How has it changed over the years?  IF it has changed, that is. 

As I got older I realized that I got along with a wide variety of people (and they with me), and those people did not have many of the qualities that were on my “LIST”.  So, I thought, why is my list so long?  And that got me thinking – what were the most important things, to me?  What were the non compromisers, the got to haves, the bottom line?

I read an article recently that the online dating world is currently in a trend where your credit score is one of the things you are expected to reveal.  Whether in your profile, or after meeting someone.  There is even a dating web site dedicated to matching people with their credit scores.

Now in my opinion accepting or rejecting someone just on their credit score is too narrow a criterion to evaluate whether someone would be a good life mate for me.  If you think about it, there are a lot of reasons why someone might have a low credit score, that really have nothing to do with their core character or values.  For instance, I know more than person who went through years of struggle and credit problems because their divorced spouse had run up charges on multiple credit cards, or defaulted on a business, right before the divorce.  A credit score can be an indicator of the kind of person someone is, to be sure.  But I don’t think it is the only, nor even the final criteria.

So – do you have a “LIST”?  What is on it?  Since being in a committed dating relationship the past year and a half, I truly don’t remember what used to be on my “LIST”.

Posted January 23, 2013 by Maureen in Being Single, Randomness

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Merry Christmas   1 comment

I love Christmastime.  Even during the darkest periods of my life, I still loved the real message and meaning of Christmas.  Jesus, the son of God, left his throne to come to earth as a little baby.  Amazing. Wonderful.  Awesome.  At church on Sunday the Pastor had one of those Aha! moments and said during his sermon, “When the angels came to the shepherds to announce the birth of Jesus and they sang a song that the shepherds heard — do you think that was the world’s first surround-sound flash mob?” 

I have a lot to be thankful for this year.  Not only do I have a special wonderful man in my life, but I have a job and my health.  I have a car that’s paid off and runs well.  I have a cat who is healthy and a blessing.  This blog has been a good outlet for me, and people have responded.  I have had less readers since my special man has been in my life and my blogs are more about him than about me hand-wringing and moaning about the trials and travails of being single.  But that’s ok too.  Relationships grow and change, and I believe blogs need to do that too.  Our lives don’t stay the same all the time, so why should blogs?

Last week I was asked to apply for an internal job.  I hadn’t considered it at first, but applied because I was encouraged to.  And I’ve been talking about it with my honey and family since, and asking God if this was what He wanted for me.  I didn’t want to jump on it just because it was something I could do and was more money.  I’m very happy at the job I’m at now.  But now that a week has gone by and I have been praying and thinking and talking about it, I realize it is a job that is really made for me.  And it is $3-5 more an hour than what I make now.  I shouldn’t question God about whether this is right anymore.  I should just go to my interview today and do my best, and leave it in God’s hands.

Thank you for joining me on my journey of being a middle-aged single lady.  Bless you through this Christmas season.  I pray that God’s love and faithfulness will be real to each of you.

Posted December 20, 2011 by Maureen in Being Single, Christian, Musings

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Teeter Totter   Leave a comment

Remember the teeter totter?  (Some might call them seesaws)  I always loved the rush you got when you pushed up from the ground.  Not so much the hard bump when you came back down again.  I didn’t like playing with my brothers, as their goal was to push and pull so hard as to make me fall off.

I feel a little like being on a teeter totter lately, with this relationship I’m in.  Things are still going strong.  We get along very well and enjoy each other’s company.  But like any relationship — ours is growing and changing with time.

After many years of guarding my heart ……. when do I stop?  When is it ok to not guard so fiercely anymore?  Do I let go a little at a time, like pulling the wrapping paper off gently from a package?  Or do I just totally let go and accept the consequences, like ripping the wrapping paper off in one big pull?  How do I know when that time is? 

I continue forward, still interested in this man and still going through the changes in our relationship.  But I teeter.  And I totter.  One thing about teeter totters, though, if you remember.  They are the most fun…….. when you have the right partner.

Posted September 28, 2011 by Maureen in Being Single, Musings

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