Archive for the ‘memories’ Tag

OLD and NEW   Leave a comment

Easter is coming soon!  I love this time of year, though for now and forever it will always be linked with my dear husband’s death.

But life goes on and time continues to march on.  I have a niece getting married on what would have been Randy’s 60th birthday.  I love this niece and would have dearly loved to be there on her day, but this is the first birthday without Randy and I just can’t do it.  I only have so much emotional reserves, and I can’t paste on a happy face that day.

I got out my Easter things.  I don’t do a lot of decorating at Easter – not like Christmas.  I do have some favorite things I put out, and this is a picture of one of them:

I absolutely adore ceramic things.  And I never buy them.  I am very careful not to fill my house with too many “things”, and all the beautiful things made out ceramic I could buy definitely fit that!  But, I found this basket on sale years ago and so I bought it.  The cardboard painted eggs nestled inside it were from my mother.  She may have had them when she first got married — I am not sure, but they are least 60 years old and may be older.  I love combining old and new like this.  And for the next few weeks I’ll enjoy looking at my beautiful ceramic Easter basket.

 

Posted March 26, 2017 by Maureen in Musings

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RENEWAL & HEALING   Leave a comment

It has been nine months since my dear wonderful husband Randy passed away.  Just before New Years I felt a healing by God over my grief.  I still miss my Randy just as much as I ever did.  I still think about him and even talk to him.  But the daily crying jags and the horrible pain of my loss has lessened quite a bit.

I had the last two weeks of December off, and spent it at home.  I did some things outside my apartment of course but I didn’t make any trips or go out of town.  One of the new things I tried this year (or, retried would be a better way of describing it) was to try paint-by-numbers kits again.

When I was around 10 – 13 years old I did a lot of paint-by-numbers.  You used to be able to buy these kits for very little money in the Five and Dime stores.  Those were the equivalent of Dollar Stores today, for those of you not old enough to get the reference.  I did a lot of them.  Mostly they were horses, since I was horse mad and I enjoyed the pictures.  I don’t know for sure if it started then, but I have always had a love of painting.  Using watercolors and acrylics.  I truly do love to paint, and I am truly bad at it.  I am not being modest – I really am.  I have tried and tried over the years to get some idea, some vision, some memory down on paper or canvas in watercolor or acrylic.  And I have always failed miserably.  It has been pretty frustrating to me, but my love of painting has spurred me on to keep trying.

So when I stumbled across paint-by-number kits on a web site I thought, “Hmmmm….. I wonder if I will like doing this as much as I did when I was younger?”  Turns out, the answer was YES.  As you might guess, they have made a lot of improvements in the paint-by-number kit market in the 40 odd years since I last tried one.  I bought one that was not on the cheapest end, but not in the middle price range either.  And started working on it.

While I can’t paint, I can follow instructions to paint a specific color of paint in a specific area of a canvas.  And when I was all done?  It looked like something!  It looked like what it should look like!  You can actually, you know, recognize what it is!  And the thing is, I found that I enter into a kind of zen state when I paint.  In fact, I found that there were times I sat for four hours at a stretch, painting.  So I have had to set the alarm, and purposefully get up more often.  Painting does something to my crafty, artistic soul.  And I believe it was God-led.  I do believe God pointed me in that direction because He knew I needed it.  He knew what good it would do me.

One of the things I did on my vacation was to go to the California Academy of Sciences in Golden Gate Park in San Francisco.  It was something I had wanted to do for a long time, but Randy wouldn’t have been able to do all the walking and standing.  I had been there before, about 6 months after it had reopened, and really enjoyed seeing everything again.  I found myself talking to Randy as I made my way slowly through the exhibits, and it was very comforting.  When I was there they had a special showing of minerals and gems, and Randy really loved that stuff.  We had a long conversation about the stones as I looked through all the display cases.  In the rain forest, they had several glass cages set up for newts.  And I heard him clearly in my head reciting the lines from the Monty Python movie: “She turned me into a newt!”  “You’re not a newt”  “I got better”.  He could do the accent, and his timing was perfect and every time he said those lines it cracked me up.  It cracked me up again when I stood looking in at the newts.

My time at the CalAcademy was sad, yes, but it was also fun and loving and warm and … comforting.  It did not make me cry, it made me smile.  It made me happy.  It made me grateful, yet again, that my Randy was in my life and enriched it in all the ways he did.  And that was a blessing, and a healing from God.

Here is a picture of the second paint-by-numbers kit I completed.

tree-pbn

Posted January 9, 2017 by Maureen in Christian, Memories, Uncategorized

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And God Bless Us, Every One   Leave a comment

I love Christmas time.  I like how it is colder and darker. I love the holiday lights, and shopping and wrapping.  The songs and movies.  The anticipation and preparation for celebrating the birth of Jesus.

Being single most of my adult life, I also hated the Christmas season.  How I wished I had a special someone to buy gifts for!  Who I could anticipate getting a special gift!  It was lonely.  It was dark and cold.  Everyone else seemed happy and no one seemed to notice I was alone.

I know someone who had a truly horribly 2013, a pretty good 2014, and is really looking forward to 2015.  I know someone who got hit by a car while biking, has already undergone two surgeries, and is struggling to find someone to take care of his dog while he is in the hospital for at least two more weeks.  I know someone who had many struggles this year, but her faith in God has never wavered.  I know someone who had a pretty darn good 2014, is in good health, and is looking forward to 2015 with anticipation and excitement.  I know someone who is having her first Christmas with her husband, as they got married earlier this year.

So many people, so many different situations.  So many emotions, so many different viewpoints and outlooks.

We can never know for sure what others are going through or what their internal life is.  God knows.  God hears, God sees, God cares.  If nothing else, my prayer is that all of you would hold onto that.  God loves you.  God came to earth as a man for you, and he died for you.  God is alive and waiting, oh waiting so patiently, for you to be by his side one day.

Peace and joy to you.

Posted December 24, 2014 by Maureen in Being Single, Christian

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Emotions   Leave a comment

My fiancé and I have been talking about our wedding, and all the things that go with that.  Interestingly, and unexpectedly for me, it has brought up emotions.  In both of us.

For myself, I’ve been divorced 30 years now, and I worked out my feelings towards and about my first marriage and my former husband a long time ago.  We are friends and are friendly and it was all in the past.  But – talking about plans has brought up things that happened, and the emotions along with the memories.  Things I haven’t thought about nor talked to anyone about in years.

For my fiancé, we are preparing to leave where we are each living with roommates so we can live someplace together.  That means sorting, packing, giving away, garage sales, etc.  And for him it has brought back memories and the emotions that go with them of being forced to downsize, and downsize again and again, after he got laid off and was unable to find work again.

Now of course with the wedding planning comes lots of good emotions, also. We are both in agreement with what we want and don’t want, and we can talk about it for hours – it is exciting and fun for us.

What about you?  What emotions have you been experiencing lately?

Posted December 1, 2014 by Maureen in Being Single, Memories

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Thinking about the past….. and the future   Leave a comment

The 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks is almost here as I write this.  The 10 year mark is a good time to look back and remember and think about what your life is like since “It” happened.  Whatever “it” you are remembering or celebrating after 10 years.  I remember clearly that day of 9/11/01 and what happened.

Since I am in a relationship (2 months and still going strong!) I am also thinking of the future.  What will it hold?  What will it be like?  Should I invite him for Thanksgiving dinner at the house?  Is it too soon?   Will I still be with him this time next year, or will I look back and remember, as I seem to be doing way too often, who I was with at this time of year — last year? 

I don’t know.  And honestly, I don’t worry about it or think about it too much.  Because I don’t know what the future will bring.  But I do know who holds the future – God does.  And I can trust Him.

Posted September 9, 2011 by Maureen in Being Single, Christian, Memories, Musings

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Memory Lane   Leave a comment

I recently received my High School yearbook, which had been missing for 30+ years.  It’s a long story, but I believe my former husband ditched it, with some other personal things, then denied doing so.  I gave up hope of ever seeing it again long, long ago.  But it found its way back.

And I’ve been walkin’ down memory lane.  Looking at old photographs.  (My!  We were certainly young then!)  Looking again at boys I had been attracted to.  Ok, I had terrible crushes on.  I still think they are cute!

And I’ve enjoyed reading what people wrote in this book.  I had forgotten how funny some of these folks were.  And how sweet and kind.  “I sure am going to miss you”  “To a really sweet person” “Glad I met you three years ago because you are a very sweet person”  “You’re a great friend and will be missed a lot!!”  “You are one of my best friends and I’ll never forget you”  “You’re an outstanding person”.

Overall, I really had some good memories from High School.  I wish I had tried harder in all my classes, but since I made up for that later on when I went to college I guess it all evened out.  I feel very fortunate to have gotten this book back, and also to know that I can look back on my High School days with fondness and good memories.

And no, I am not about to post a picture of me from back then!

Posted February 12, 2011 by Maureen in Musings, Randomness

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Old School   Leave a comment

I went to my old high school the other day.  It is now a continuation high school and the facilities are also used for other things.  I attended an all-day meeting there.

I hadn’t been inside the campus since I graduated in…… well, it was over 30 years ago.  It was good to be back. Things had changed, but things also hadn’t.  The lockers were gone, but the old pool area was there, with the ramps at one end.  The pools were empty.  The old rectangle where most everyone hung out at lunch was there.  Same trees?  Hard to tell, but they were not new trees.

The whole place looked a little bit worn and in need of some fix-up.  Hmmm…. reminds me of — ME.  I scratched an itch and went up to stand on the corner where the jocks always hung out.  How we used to hate walking by there, since they all stared at and checked out the girls.  Yet, we also liked it.  There was the part of the square where a guy I liked (A LOT) my year in high school used to hang out with his buddies.  And there was the part where “couples” used to sit.  The spot where my girlfriends and I used to sit. 

Same old, same old.  Am I the same old, same old Maureen that spent so many years (it seemed more than it was) in that place?  In some ways I am.  In others I am not.  And it is all good.  I would not want to go back to the girl I was.  I am happy with the woman I am.  Flaws and blemishes and mistakes as I am.  I am happier and more content in my own skin now than I was then. 

I don’t want to trade that, or go back.

Posted November 12, 2010 by Maureen in Memories

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