Gone   Leave a comment

My sweet Randy, my love, is gone.  He had a heart attack and died suddenly on April 6th.

I am …. lost.  It still does not seem real.  I know it will at some point.  I will have to go through his clothes.  Distribute some things to his family.  Pick up the death certificate.  Have the memorial service.  Hundreds of details and little things that, when I complete them, will cement, little by little, that my Randy is gone.

My son was killed 15 1/2 years ago, and now I am experiencing the same kinds of things again in a horrible, nighmareish deja-vu kind of way.  The crying jags.  The aimless wandering.  The sleepless nights.  The crushing sense of loss.  The feeling that you’ve forgotten something, and then the terrible realization that it is because you don’t have that person in your life anymore.  The thinking to yourself “I have to remember to tell Randy about that”, and then the remembering that you can’t anymore.

I want to find a hole to crawl in and then just stay there.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases

His mercies never come to an end

They are new every morning, new every morning

Great is your faithfulness, oh God

Great is your faithfulness

My rock, my foundation is God.  He never fails, he never leaves, he always loves and provides.   Though I long to leave this earth and its sadness and loss, I know the Lord will take me when it is His time.  Until then I will keep breathing in and out and putting one foot before the other.

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Posted April 9, 2016 by Maureen in Christian

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