Never Ending   1 comment

My only son was killed 15 years ago.  It was devastating for me, and I plunged into two years of deep emotional shock.  It was only by the grace and love of God that I was able to get through it and come out of my shock slowly.

Every year, around his birthday and the anniversary of the day of his death, I have had problems.  I get so sad.  I get very emotional.  I feel myself slipping into shock and grief again.  It has been overwhelming at time, and feels never ending.  I just don’t want to feel this way. I want to remember my son and his life without all the sadness and loss and grief.

But it seems I am destined to feel this way.  I get through it every year, twice a year, but it is never pleasant.  It has gotten a bit better every year (I used to have to take days off to be by myself), but all the feelings come back year after year.  I have not thought of anything to “do” with the feelings and loss.  Perhaps that is why they keep coming back.

My husband has never wanted children, and has none of his own.  I told him about my son being killed early in our relationship, and he is one of the few people I can talk to about it, and even if I cry and even if he doesn’t understand from the perspective of a parent — he has always been supportive and he feels comfortable talking about it with me, and can even bring my son into casual conversation.

This year, perhaps because it is the 15th anniversary, and 15 is kind of a milestone, I had more problems than usual.  My husband sent me an email, part of which is quoted below.  I love my husband so much, and thank God for him.

“I know that you know how much I love you, and that I am here for you. But I also want you to know that I will be thinking of John as well as you, because he helped make you into the woman I love so much.”

 

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Posted September 26, 2015 by Maureen in Christian, Musings

Tagged with , ,

One response to “Never Ending

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  1. You are blessed. God is looking after your son, and it’s beautiful that he sent such an understanding man to walk through life with you. That email he sent you just bought tears to my eyes. I just said a prayer for you too. xox

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