Am I a Failure?   Leave a comment

I was musing to myself the other day over the —- ordeal —- of looking for a husband.  What a lot of time I’ve spent!  What a lot of men I’ve met!  How long is this going to go ON????  And then the thought: I am a failure.

Wait — what?  Where did that come from?  Why am I failure?

When I was growing up I always had some vague idea that I would meet a man I would fall in love with, get married, have at least two children, and live with my husband all my life until one of us died.  Raising children, buying a house, being grandparents.  You know — all that and a stack of pancakes. 

And instead…… I am 51 years old with one marriage behind me that only lasted four and a half years.  Notice I always mention the “and a half” part.  I have always felt that I failed at one of the most important relationships a woman can have in her life.  It wasn’t all my failure, no.  But I take responsibility for the parts that were mine.  And I failed, plain and simple. 

Does that make me a failure in life?  I seem to think so.  I can’t seem to help it.  I have always thought I’d be married by this time in life.  I thought I’d have a home and two cars and several grandchildren to show for it.  I thought I’d be sitting with my husband in the living room watching TV every night.  And I’m not.  And there is no chance in the forseeable future that any of that will happen.  Even the sitting and watching TV part.

And in my own eyes, in my own brain — that makes me a failure.

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Posted December 29, 2010 by Maureen in Being Single, Musings

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